My Sage Advice

Hello Cyber-friends! Hope all of you are well and have celebrated Canada day by getting as drunk as I did. Nothing like going to a North Bay house party to make you realize that yes, you really are going to need alcohol to have a good time.

Well, the results are in and rectal exams beat out pap smears in a land slide for grossest procedure. It was a close battle though! Tune in next week for "which part of the body would you least want to put your hand in?" The choices will surprise you.

So I have a slight problem here. Being a medical student, I have conflicting interests. Yes, on one hand I am concerned about the patient. But on the other hand, I'm here to learn. This disparagement lead to the following exchange:

Me: Hi! I'm your helpful neighborhood medical student. What seems to be the problem today?
Patient: I have these soars in my mouth and on my tongue. They're really painful. I can barely eat.
Me (thinking): Hmmm, maybe they're herpes. I really hope they're herpes. If they're not herpes then I have no idea what they are.
Me: Ok, I'm just going to take a look around your mouth. Can you open your mouth for me and stick out your tongue?
Patient: Ahhhhh....
Me: Raised borders.... white center... painful.... YES!!! They're herpes!!! You definitely have herpes!!
Patient: Uhhh......

Wait, I have to make this like every other med student's blog: Ugghh, I'm SOOO tired! I work SOOO much and no one ever appreciates me! Whaa waa waa!

That was a little bitter out of no where but it's dinner time and I'm hungry. Seriously, the elective is going really well. Working a lot - sometimes 14 hours a day, usually about 10. Patients are all really nice. A couple aren't but fuck them. Learning a LOT as well.

That's the news for now kids! I never see anyone on MSN when I'm occasionally on so if I find out you've blocked me I will be handing out wedgies. I'm just in North Bay, not in Ireland!

Finally! The heat wave that has plagued Ontario has broken - at least up here in the North! I can start using the computer with sweating again. Yesterday this was aerobic exercise.

Finished my third day of my rotation so far. It's felt like longer since they're long days. Start before 7 and finish whenever we're finished. Interesting so far though. Hospital is more interesting. Out patient clinic is literally all rectal exams and pap smears. At the risk of sounding un-professional: Gross!

Quick public poll: Which is worse? Rectal exams or pap smears? Keep in mind that often people come for a pap smear because something's wrong and you don't actually have to look during a rectal exam.

North Bay..... what can I say about it? Hick city. I went biking around the city on Sunday. It was about 38 degrees out and I passed about a million old men with long hair and mustaches biking around with a coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Seriously, I looked out of place. Guys were like, "Shee-it! That dumb dang city kid musta gone and dropped his coffee and smokes!" They could tell I was from the city presumably because I'm the only one here who wears a shirt anywhere.

Pretty much every second store is a "work place alcohol and drug" testing location. That kind of freaked me out so I was forced to abandon my breakfast beers.

That's all the news for now! I'll try and update this bad boy more regularly but, let's face it, I'm really lazy.

Whoa, what's it been since I last posted? A solid month? All apologies. My excuse is that I was a combination of way too drunk and hung over to post while I was still in Ireland and now that I'm back I've been so bored writing about my life here could have possibly made me want to hang myself.

Pretty pissed off about the pictures not showing up. Especially since I have NEW pictures that I wanted to post. Sucks! I'll straighten that stuff out sometime soon hopefully.

Anyway, I'm leaving this weekend to start my rotation for the summer. It's been a really peaceful, if not a little slow, month off. I'm half freaked out - half excited about starting this. I think I'll do fine but I know Canadian hospitals run differently than Irish hospitals so cross your fingers for me that I don't do anything really stupid the first day.

As a side note, I got a new stethoscope and it's really nice! WHEEEE!!!

Hmmm, even though all my photos are stored in one place, half of them don't seem to be showing up anymore. Wow, I mean you go to a website that offers totally free file hosting and you expect a little more than this. How dare their free service be interrupted!

Well, I had some good photos of a recent trip but those will half to wait for another time. Other then that, highlights of the week included getting to watch an NBA game on TV at a bar (very hard in Ireland) and playing poker with my foreign friends. They've never played the game before and we were playing for pennies and me and the American guy were down and my Italian roommate was up like 80 cents! Crafty foreigners!!

I also have been going into the hospital lately following around an intern and doing his bitch work for him. A perk of the deal is free lunches from pharmacy vendors who want to hike their crappy products. They're talking about this drug and that drug and interactions and crap and I'm like, "Dude! I have no idea what you're saying! I'm just here for the free sandwiches!" I asked my intern friend if it made sense after a couple more years of med school and he's like, "Hell no! I have no idea either. See that one doctor over there asking all the questions? He's just doing that because he heard that if you show enough interest you can weasel a USB key-chain disk drive out of them."

Now that you're all thoroughly impressed with the medical community in general, I'll leave you. Hopefully pictures will be back shortly. Cross your fingers!

Last night at work was busy! Luckily, my job description is pretty much just "walk around and look for trouble", which I read as "socialize with friends while looking busy". I also parlayed a 20 minute break into an hour so I could watch the entire episode of "24". For some reason my absence wasn't noticed. Apparently I am not as expendable as I like to tell myself! At the end of the night, two drunk guys ran back into the bar after they were kicked out and we got to tackle them. Then, one of them swung a bottle at a manager and about eight bouncers kicked his ass. Seriously, they were actually fighting with each other to get close enough to hit the guy!

Tonight I'm working again. I'm all by myself tonight and the place is rented out by some 40 year olds for a big birthday party. Sounds like all kinds of trouble so I'm preparing for war tonight. The minute one of those office workers steps out of line I'm going to Kick. Their. Ass.

The last couple of days were boring. Like any good traveler, I have taken it upon myself to educate all the poor foreign kids who haven't grown up with same luxuries that we have. I've taught them about Mac and Cheese, Tacos, ready crisp bacon, and sandwiches! Man, do they ever love the sandwiches! We decided to have a sandwich making competition: 3 sandwiches, 3 judges, no-holds barred. It's probably going to get ugly. My roommate Guido and I started brainstorming. The American judge likes meat so, without further adieu, let me present to you "the coronary":



And enjoying the spoils, which we garnished with a side of pizza:

Notice the fire extinguisher? Safety first people! Isn't the sandwich beautiful? Three types of animal and 3.7 million calories. Please send donations for us to buy a portable defibrillator for the kitchen.

Wow, sorry for the short, unplanned hiatus. Weekend was a blur. Spent most of last week in the hospital. Highlights were a patient with a liver three times the normal size and another with a very, very, VERY rare form of eye cancer. Stranger than fiction!

Had to take a day off to get more blood tests for this summer. Being a med student means you have to get a blood test to do pretty much anything. This is a typical conversation:

Me: Hi, lost and found right? I think I lost my lab coat.
Lost and Found: Ok, what did it look like?
Me: White, short, taco stain on the front that I can't get out.
Lost and Found: Great, we have several. I'm sure yours is here. You'll just need to go get a blood test and have them sign this form and then I can let you come back and let you take a look.
Me: What?...... Why?....
Lost and Found: Are you kidding??!? We're a HOSPITAL. We can't just let ANYONE come into the lost and found without taking some preventative measures!
Me: ........

So this time I was a little low on my Rubella levels. I am now happy to tell you that I am once again Rubella free. I don't want to use the term INVINCIBLE but I think we all understand the threat. I'm sure we've all lost dozens and dozens of loved ones to recent Rubella outbreaks. It's good to know I'm safe from this top ten killer!

Friday night was our official end of class party. Highlights included girls from our class being kicked out for smoking in the washroom high-school style and someone getting really drunk and going missing after a cab ride home. There was a search party and everything! Here's the photo journal:

Was a good night! And now, since I can tell you're loving the photos, here's a collage I'm titling "A Lost Bet":

Draw your own conclusions.

Holy Gageebers I'm tired!

Worked 11 hours today but had fun. Started a new mini-elective at the hospital here in preparation for my elective this summer. Which, I just found out today, might not even happen. I won't name the retarded Canadian University that seems to have "lost" my application all of a sudden. I'll give you a hint though: I think the people there smoke a lot of pottawa.

Today was good work wise though. 3 hours tonight at the bar and I kicked out 5 1/2 people. The 6th one just kind of left on his own but I was planning on kicking him out so I recorded it as a moral victory. At the hospital today the team had one patient who had no muscle left in his legs - you can just see the skin and bone - he can't even move his leg. Also, a woman with skin so fragile that if you grab her arm you would just tare the skin. Crazy! And I got to go to a presentation for new EM (Emergency Medicine) doctors and I learned a LOT. So I'm recording this as a Good Day.

Then I came home and ate 1140 calories of Kraft Dinner Macaroni and Cheese. Serves 3 portions my ass!

Ahhh, it feels so good to be done school. I've been working a lot the last while. And, since I work as a bouncer, it is the most relaxing job in the world. On busy nights, I pretty much just stare at girls. On dead days, I sit out in the sun and read a book and stare at girls drinking on the patio if there are any.

By the way, when I say stare, I don't mean like a creepy, psycho stare. I mean like a dark, sexy, smoldering stare. With or without a devilish smile. It's all very complex but I'm sure you can picture it.

And today at work I won $20 playing poker with the bar staff! Tough job I'm telling you.

The only real complaint I have right now is the all the construction in the city. Cork is the "European capital of culture - 2005" and, to celebrate that, we've started ripping holes in the road and sidewalks for tourists to sprain their ankles on. Nothing says, "whimsical, magical vacation" like sharp nails and tetanus shots!

Wow, not one comment about my robot picture?!?! I'm beginning to think you don't appreciate me as an artist. But then I realize that my pictures are, in fact, great and that you guys wouldn't know good art if it bit you in the ass!

As a change of topic, I finished my last exam today! I'm officially done my first year of med school! And how did I celebrate this afternoon? I went back to the library!

I have a rotation in Canada starting at the end of June and I have a lot to learn before I do that. But then I realized today was pretty much a write off and I came home to nap.

Zzzzzz.....

I know this is one of those, "everyone else found out about it yesterday but I'm just learning about it now" kind of things but.... have you ever tried launchcast on yahoo music?!?!? I just found out about it and I absolutely love it! Woot! I am so 1996!

Anyway, I've heard about it for years but I've never tried it. In case you haven't heard about it here's the gist: You pick artists you like, it plays songs by them and ones it guesses you might like as well as some random stuff and you rate each song as it plays. It gets smarter and smarter as it gets to know you. Brilliant!

Which brings me to my point. Once in a while you get a song played because it "is popular on lots of people's stations". Not pop either, real weird stuff. And here's the thing... it's always HORRIBLE!!! Does everyone else have crap taste in music but me? It can't just be my taste, because these songs aren't just bad. It's like someone reprogrammed launchcast to robotically fuck my ear.

I figure you don't have as good as an imagination as I do, so I drew you a picture in paint so you could see what that might look like: