I am sitting here at the end of my 35th birthday feeling like I am completely overwhelmed. The most interesting part of this is that there really is nothing set into stone, yet my mind feels that I just missed a major deadline. My heart breaks because of this artificial deadline I have just passed.
Years ago I told myself that once I reached my 35th birthday I would no longer be having children. Now I am very blessed in the fact that I have two amazing beautiful children, one daughter and one son. So basically the perfect family of four. I would have never believed, all of those years ago, that I would have 2 children, and still yearn for more. It is amazing how time and experience change you. Having children as changed me in so many ways. I have learned of a love I never knew existed. It opens your eyes and heart, increases your fears and worries, and makes you see the world in a whole new way.
Some would say I am selfish for wanting more, for not being content with the blessings I have. I completely understand that. And the rationale part of my mind can easily give you the list of reasons why my two beautiful children are enough. We have a 3 bedroom house, no one has to share space with only two children. My husband and I both have very rewarding, but time consuming careers. Where would we find time to give to yet more children? The costs!! My student loan debt alone is enough to make one consider ever wanting to finance one college education, let alone several. We went on our first Disney vacation this year, one child per parent, perfect. I am often taking my children places by myself, how hard would it be to wrangle more?
But then I think- isn't all of that the selfish stuff? The material things, the money, isn't that the selfish part of life. What in life is more selfless than giving love to yet another soul? What better gift can I give my children than more members of their family? I think of the bonds I share with my 3 siblings, and my husband shares with his siblings and wonder what it will be for my children. My daughter will never know the sisterly chats that I have experienced so often. My son will never have a little brother to teach all of the ropes of being a boy in today's world. I wonder if those experiences would hold more value than 100 Disney vacations and all the extra space in a bedroom.
And that, my friends, is where the confusion lies. Which is the best path for them and for me? People say you regret most the things you do not do, not those that you attempt and don't do well. However, when it is potentially adding more children to care for, doing well is the only option. I wish there was a clear way to know what the answer is. In my heart I have one conclusion and in my head another. It literally is a tug of war within my very soul. I look to my faith in God to try to bring me through and come to a peaceful conclusion. I really had hoped that this birthday deadline would be that peace. I thought that by setting that line in the sand, once I arrived I would know for sure that my family was set, and that I was ready for this day.
But I have reached the first ever birthday that has really bothered me. Not because I feel old at 35, but because I feel like the sand in the hour glass is gone for this subject. The fact that I have met this milestone with two amazing children stands as the sign that that is where I am intended to be. And just writing those words into conclusion breaks my heart. I hope that I am not the only Mom out there that wrestles with this. I am sure this inner battle wages for many, and I only hope that at the 70 year mark I will have peace that I made the right choices and that my children are as blessed as I have been.
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